I was describing one of the most foundational parts of my early, and indeed, my entire transition to a group of friends recently. The growth of the depth, strength, and complexity of my emotional experience. I used a rather artistic metaphor, and one of the people I really respect in that group immediately asked “Do you have that written down somewhere?”

I did, but.. I want to put it where it can better be found. Maybe some of you will connect with it. Maybe some of you will simply be curious or fascinated by the change. It’s certainly been a fascinating experience!

Before estrogen, my emotions were like a shallow stream. There wasn’t all that much water most of the time, but what there was could easily turn turbulent as it tumbled and churned over the stones of its bed.

When strong emotions would come, I would brace myself against the force of them, resist and hold my ground while the emotions surged around me and calmed again.

It isn’t like that anymore.

It didn’t take long for estrogen to raise the water level, as it were. What had been a stream was now a river. Deep, and powerful. If I wanted to brace against its strength I would be helpless, and overwhelmed in an instant.

Only.. With that volume, that depth comes other changes. It’s deep enough that it doesn’t tumble over the stones any longer, the water isn’t turbulent in the same way. The flow can be powerful, and it’s deep enough that I can be in way over my head, but the surface is smooth and placid. So, if rather than bracing and resisting I relax and give the emotion space to flow around me, to flow through me.. I float right up to the surface, where I can breathe and relax and just -be-.

It is beautiful, and I wouldn’t want to live any other way.

What about you? Does that match anyone else’s experience?